Slowly the truck turned from the dirt road onto a narrow-wooded path over hung with willows leading into the woods.  I looked in the back of the beat-up old Ford truck at my dog curled into a ball; the best dog I have ever had, slowly suffering to death from an unknown illness.

“I love you, Lady dog, all doggies go to heaven”  I told my dog as we drove even further into the woods.  Not for her sake but for the sake of my own heart.

                As always, time being the relative bitch that she is the truck much too soon pulled to a stop next to a big oak tree with weeping branches.  It was a wonderful spot. A spot I would come to on a lazy Sunday afternoon to read, watch the clouds, or just to sleep beneath the wonderful sky.  In places the sun penetrated the forests leaf shield, so the beautiful rays of light shone down illuminating the ground in vibrant patches around the tree.

“Come Lady” I called to my dog as she weakly got out of the truck.

I grabbed the twenty-two from behind the driver’s seat and trudged further down the path into the light devouring darkness of my task with rifle in hand and dog on heal.

                I had no idea how long I would walk I just knew that I would walk.  That is when, as if it were put there for this very moment in perhaps mine or perhaps the dog’s life I came upon a break in the trees and stumbled into a wonderfully small field.  There was no forest covering here allowing the sun to shine down with all its warm cradling rays of life.  There was tall grass everywhere.  I could hear birds chirping at us for finding their secret spot of beauty and serenity.

I walked into the middle of the field and called Lady to come.  As always, she, the loyal and flawless Lady came right to me, being the good obedient dog that she always had been.

“Lady lay, Lady lay down, LADY SIT” I tried in vain to get the dog to lay down because for some reason it just seemed like that is what I should do.

                Giving up on my useless commands I just stood there, rifle in hand thinking what the hell I was going to do from here.  I had never killed anything before other than a fish when I was ten and even then I had run home crying after delivering the ritual skull crushing blows to the fishes head with my boot heel, much less a dog I had grown to love as much as a small child.  That is when it happened.  A moment I will never forget for as long as I live.  All though it took place within a five second time span, it felt as though the entire galaxy froze, suspended in its own sick and twisted interpretation of time, seconds turning into years as they perpetually consumed everything left of my heart and soul.

                My beloved Heinz 57 had walked a few feet away and began playing with a few long blades of grass.  Standing in the comforting sunlight, in this moment she was truly free.  I lifted the twenty-two rifle in my hands, a four-pound weapon that all of the sudden was breaching one hundred pounds of steel. However, perhaps that was just the weight of my task resting on the barrel of the gun.  Slowly I drew it up until it was in line with the back of the dog’s skull.  Making sure to keep the barrel a few inches away from her head so as not to disturb her out of peacefulness;  I just stood there, wondering if I would be able to do it, If I would be able to shoot this beautiful creature in the head and end her life.

For one millisecond my brain went empty, and I squeezed the trigger.

BANG.

The sound of the shot rang out, seeming to confirm what had just happened.  When I came back to my body Lady was laying on the ground, brick red blood seeping out of her nose, tongue lolling out.  I stood their planted in the same spot as tears began to sting my eyes.  I finally came all the way back to myself as I knelt next to Lady to feel for a heartbeat; nothing. Not one thump of life remained inside of the dog who was nothing but ever loyal to me.  I stood back up and ejected one more round into her head for fear of burying her paralyzed and alive. 

I laid the rifle on the ground and picked up the limp lifeless body of my dog the way one would carry their beloved bride on their wedding day but lacking the infernal happiness.  I slowly walked down the path to where I had dug Lady’s resting spot a few hours prior.  Carefully I set her in her grave along with a bag of treats so she would not go hungry, a stuffed animal so she would not be alone and a toy so she would not be bored.  In silence filled loudness I covered her up with dirt and placed a big fallen down tree on top of her grave. 

I put the godforsaken…. or perhaps god blessed rifle in the truck and said goodbye to my beloved and loyal Lady dog one last time before getting back in the driver’s seat and pulling away in the heaviest of silences.   Tears slowly trickled down my face while all I could think to myself was that she didn’t even yelp.  It was like one second she was there with me and then the next she was not, and I had done that.  I.